Welcome to Part 2 of the “The 4 Puberty Conversations you should be having with your tween daughter, but probably aren’t” mini-series. If you missed last week’s post, you can catch up here. And remember, if you’re not sure how to start these conversations, Real Girl Puberty has you covered. It just so happens that we have a magazine issue dedicated to each of the 4 topics.
Last week, we talked about confidence and why it’s important to proactively support your tween girl to keep and increase hers. This week, we’re going to talk about a topic that both takes and builds confidence – Independence.
Ms. Independence
Does your daughter want (or feel entitled) to more freedom? Becoming more independent is a normal part of the growing up experience, but there can be a mis-match between your and your daughter’s expectations of what independence looks like. Chances are, she wants all the freedom that comes along with being independent, but doesn’t want the added responsibility. Perhaps you lean more on the responsibility side with a little less freedom, or is it just me that does that?!
Define Independence
Independence means freedom from control. It’s being able to do things by yourself with minimal supervision and support. In tween terms, it can mean doing what you want without your parents controlling you or telling you what to do. And this is where the struggle can happen. If you and your daughter are both operating from your own expectations, you’ll be stuck in a constant battle. But, if you can work together to come up with a shared expectation, independence and growth can be a bonding experience.
What Does Independence Look Like For You?
As the parent, you likely want your daughter to grow into a responsible and independent adult. You want her to do what she needs to do so she can create the best life possible for herself.
What does that look like? Is it your daughter waking up and getting ready for school on her own? Is it being responsible for managing her own electronic time? Or is it taking a bigger role in your family home life?
Your Daughter’s Vision
Now that you know what independence looks like for you, let’s consider your daughter’s expectations. Do you know what she thinks her independence should look like? Does it include a later bedtime? Unsupervised hangouts with her friends? Or maybe her own social media account?
Take action and schedule some girl time so you can talk about your daughter’s growing independence.
Support Your Dependent Daughter’s Growth
While some tween girls are itching for independence, not all young girls are excited to grow up. Here are some tips to help you encourage your daughter’s independence:
- Give your daughter a journal or planner and have her write out her ideal school week and weekend. Which activities have space for more independence? If her weekends are always spent at home, maybe you can find a sport or other activity for her to join.
- Have your daughter order for herself when you go out to eat or give her cash to pay for her own clothes. It sounds simple, but as an anxious tween, these kinds of tasks stressed me out. I wish someone would have lovingly held my hand through it so I could’ve become more comfortable with these types of interactions.
- Talk about it. Read the Independence issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine with your daughter and ask her about her thoughts and feelings on the issue. If she’s resisting growing up, try and find out why.
- Get professional support. It can be frustrating when your daughter won’t do the simple things involved in taking care of herself, but there might be an underlying reason that can be resolved. If needed, find a quality health care professional to work with.
- Resist the urge to push. Some girls need more support than others when it comes to doing things on their own. Meet your daughter where she is, not where you were at that age, or where you think she should be.
Keep Growing
If you’re struggling with the idea of your baby girl growing up so soon, I highly recommend you read Dr. Lisa Damour’s book Untangled. The subtitle says it’s for raising teenage girls, but if you wait until your daughter is 13, you’ll be too late. Part 1 is the perfect introduction to what to expect, and prepare for, as your tween girl gains independence.
For more independence building ideas, check out the Independence Issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine. And make sure to come back next week when we’ll be discussing the third puberty conversation that you should be having with your tween girl, but probably aren’t.
Resources
Raising an Intuitive Eater: Raising the Next Generation with Food and Body Confidence (book)
Untangled – Part 1