Today’s blog post marks the start of a mini-series called, “The 4 Puberty Conversations you should be having with your tween daughter, but probably aren’t.” Make sure to come back each week as we talk through the 4 different conversations. And don’t worry, if you’re not sure how to start these conversations, Real Girl Puberty has you covered. It just so happens that we have a magazine issue dedicated to each of the 4 topics.
Let’s start this series with a topic that had the biggest impact on my puberty experience; confidence. I was a pretty confident and self-assured girl until I was about 10 years old, then it was all downhill after that. And what a long, steep hill that was!
Confidence and Girl Puberty
What does confidence have to do with girl puberty? There’s been a lot of research on the connection between puberty and confidence and it’s clear that girls’ self-confidence drops during their puberty years. Did you know that according to the confidence research and writing team of Katty Kay, JillEllyn Riley and Claire Shipman, girls’ confidence drops by 30% from ages 8 to 14, with a particularly steep drop starting at age twelve? Does that timeline sound familiar? It’s also the time that girl puberty starts.
I can speak from personal experience that this is 100% accurate, although my confidence drop was closer to a 70 or 80% drop.
How to be more Confident
Now that we know this happens, what can we do to help our young tween girls keep their confidence intact? The best thing we can do is to be proactive and not reactive. It’s crucial to proactively help your daughter build confidence before she hits those later tween and teenage years.
Imagine the Best-Case Scenario
It can be so easy to spiral into the black hole of worst-case scenarios, but what if we took all of that energy and put it into imagining best-case scenarios? I got this exercise from Jacqui Letran when I interviewed her for the Confidence issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine. I wish I would’ve had this advice when I was younger because my head was always spinning with worst-case scenarios.
For example, one of my triggers, when I was a tween, was being late to class. My head would spin nonstop with all of the bad things that could happen if I was late. Like walking into a silent classroom and everyone staring at me. Or tripping as I walked across the classroom, or being yelled at by the teacher. A better use of my energy would have been to imagine walking into the classroom and casually walking to my seat and life goes on.
In middle school and high school, we were switching classes every period, so I was living in constant panic mode. And it was useless panic because nothing bad ever happened, even on the occasions when I was late.
Power Posing
The way we hold our bodies can impact how confident we feel. It’s hard to feel confident and sure about yourself if you walk around all slouched forward with your head down. Practicing Power Poses can help train your body and mind to feel more confident. You can practice Power Posing before an important event, like a school test for your daughter or maybe a work presentation for you. It can be so fun to do together. I actually just did the Wonder Woman pose with my daughter when I was getting this content ready. Try it with your daughter today. It’s so easy to do!
- First, stand up tall with your feet firmly on the ground. Your feet should be a little wider than your shoulders. Keep your legs strong but your knees soft.
- Next, put your hands on your hips (kind of like when you’re giving someone attitude).
- Then, hold your head up high with your chin lifted just a bit.
Hold the pose for a minute or two. And bonus points if you can do it in front of a mirror.
Power posing is a valuable tool for practicing confidence and it can stay with you for life. But it’s just one tool of many.
Confidence Kit
You can take the idea of building a Confidence Kit literally and/or figuratively. Power Posing would be more figurative, but you can print out and laminate pictures of yourself doing the pose and hang them up where you can see them every day. Maybe right by your bedroom door so you can see it as you exit in the morning. If you’re not feeling confident enough (yet) to print out your own photo, you can print out a photo of the ultimate power poser, Wonder Woman.
Here are some other items to add to your own Confidence Kit:
- A Confidence Journal – use a prompted journal (there are tons of them on Amazon) or use a blank notebook and create your own. You can use the journaling pages in the Confidence Issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine to get you started.
- Powerful affirmations and quotes – Print out or buy images of powerful words or phrases that help you feel your best. My favorite power phrase is, “I can, and I will.”
- A Confidence building playlist – I couldn’t live without my Spotify! Music is such a powerful emotion connector. Play your favorite power song when you need a Confidence boost.
- An outfit or item of clothing that you feel confident wearing.
- A Confidence accountability buddy – know who to go to when you start feeling down on yourself. This can be a best friend, a family member, a life coach, or even your therapist.
- The Confidence Code for Girls – this book is great for moms and girls alike. It gives helpful advice and actions you can take to create more confidence.
Add anything else to your kit that helps make you feel confident. This can be a fun bonding activity with your puberty girl. Block out some time this weekend and create your kits together.
It’s Not Too Late
What can you do if you or your daughter have already lost your confidence? You’re not alone and there is help. If it feels like a temporary loss, you can take the actions listed above and see if you feel your confidence growing. However, if it feels like a bigger or more serious issue, please seek the advice of an experienced mental health practitioner. If left unchecked, low self-confidence can become a personality trait and lead to anxiety and depression. I want to stress again, please get help if you need it. While nobody feels confident all of the time, it’s something we can all feel when we practice it.
For more tips and information on building confidence during puberty, check out the Confidence Issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine. And make sure to come back next week when we’ll be discussing the second puberty conversation that you should be having, but probably aren’t.
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