Welcome to Part 4 of the “The 4 Puberty Conversations you should be having with your tween daughter, but probably aren’t” mini-series. If you missed the first three posts, you can catch up here. Need help getting the conversation started? Real Girl Puberty has a magazine dedicated to each of the 4 conversations, including the Loss of Voice phenomenon. (Hint – that’s today’s topic.)
Loss of Voice Phenomenon
What is the “loss of voice” phenomenon? According to Deborah A. Cihonski loss of voice, “can be described as an experience when a person has something she or he feels is important to say but does not say it.” That person is often an adolescent girl. And in my experience, it doesn’t even have to be something “important” to say.
The loss of voice experience can be a short episodic event or it can last for years. Some girls can grow out of it and do well in areas of self-expression. Other girls will carry it around with them for years, or even the rest of their lives. The hard part for me to grasp is that these girls don’t know what they’re experiencing or why. If you don’t know the what and why, it’s impossible to improve the situation.
What Does the Loss of Voice Phenomenon Look Like?
Loss of voice can be difficult to detect because your daughter might only experience it in the classroom. She might continue to be her usual open and talkative self around family or friends, but is too scared to speak up at school.
This can be an isolating and frustrating experience for girls who want to participate in social activities but feel too anxious to join in. They might feel like they’re letting themselves and others down or that they are not “normal.” Or they might start to doubt their own value. Girls who experience loss of voice can also be at a higher risk of anxiety and depression.
Why is it important to be aware of the Loss of Voice Phenom?
It’s important to be aware of the loss of voice phenomenon so you can recognize it in your daughter. When you’re aware of it, you can give her the support and understanding she needs. Girls who experience this may feel like they are alone and that no one else understands what they’re going through. I grew up thinking I was the only girl who experienced it. I didn’t know it was “normal” until I started my research for the Loss of Voice magazine issue.
It’s also important to be aware of this phenomenon because it can have long-term effects on your daughter’s mental health and social development. Girls who experience this may struggle with relationships and may have difficulty asserting themselves in the future. They can turn to self-harm or drugs and alcohol as a way to express themselves. By being aware of this phenomenon, you can help your daughter develop healthy coping strategies that will benefit her throughout her life.
How Can You Support Your Daughter?
We already said that the loss of voice phenomenon can be frustrating and confusing for your daughter daughter, but it can be even more frustrating for you. It’s even harder if it’s not something you’ve experienced yourself. It’s important to be patient and understanding as your daughter navigates this experience. Avoid putting pressure on her to speak or blaming her for her silence. Instead, offer support and encouragement as she works to find her voice. It’s important to meet her where she is.
Here are some ways you can support your girl:
- Validate her feelings. Let your daughter know that what she’s experiencing is real and valid. Help her understand and believe that there isn’t anything wrong with her. Share with her stories about times when you’ve felt scared to speak up. Do you regret not speaking up sometimes? Have real conversations with her about how she feels and why she thinks she feels that way.
- Create a safe space for your daughter to express herself. If your daughter tends to be anxious when it comes to talking to people outside of the family, do some roleplaying exercises to help her build up her confidence. This can look like practicing how to order food at a restaurant, asking a teacher for help, or telling someone you like their cool t-shirt.
- Encourage your daughter to communicate in ways that feel comfortable for her. She might not feel comfortable speaking in certain situations or around certain people, but that doesn’t mean she can’t communicate in other ways. Help your daughter find other ways to express herself, such as writing, drawing, or using non-verbal cues like nodding or shaking her head. By doing so, you are empowering your daughter to communicate in ways that feel safe and comfortable for her.
- Work with your daughter to set achievable goals. Setting small, achievable goals can help your daughter build confidence and feel more comfortable in social situations. For example, if your daughter struggles to speak up in class, encourage her to set a goal of answering one question per class, or start smaller with the goal to answer one question a day. Celebrate her successes and cheer her on so she can to continue setting and achieving small goals.
Get Help
If your daughter’s loss of voice is affecting her daily life and/or is causing significant stress, it could be time to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can work with your daughter to develop coping strategies. They can also address any underlying anxiety or social issues that may be contributing to her loss of voice.
For more support and ideas on how to help your daughter keep and use her voice, check out the Raise Your Voice Issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine. There’s a 30 day challenge to help you both see how you’re using your voice.
We’ve made it to the end of the “4 Conversations” mini-series, but don’t worry, the conversation’s just getting started. If you haven’t already, make sure to join the Real Girl Puberty email list so you can get a free copy of the current issue of Real Girl Puberty magazine.
Puberty?! Yeah, we’re going to talk about it.
Resources –
Anxiety and Depression Association of America: The ADAA provides resources and information about anxiety and depression, which may be underlying factors contributing to the loss of voice phenomenon