March 8th has been the date of the International Day of Women celebration for over 100 years and I never heard about it until I moved to Turkey.
The last thing I wanted to be
When I was younger, the last thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a woman. Crazy, right? I mean I was a young girl, what choice did I have but to grow up and be a woman? (I recognize that question has a drastically different answer today than it did when I was younger, but that’s not where I’m going with this.) It’s not that I felt like I was in the wrong body or gender or like I wanted to be a boy and grow up to be a man. I was just terrified of being a woman. And puberty marked the start of the transition.
At the time, I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t want to be a woman. I could just tell you that I didn’t want to carry a purse or do anything “gross” with boys. And I did not want to be called “lady.” (Side note: my personal email address starts with lady. ladyplaysdrums, haha such is life).
I know now
Looking back now, I can tell you that I was scared of being a woman because I knew life would be different. That I would have to protect myself and be careful about how I looked and what I said. I knew that women got sexual attention that I wasn’t interested in. In fact, that was my biggest fear and it still creeps me out. I felt like I wasn’t safe anymore. And these fears weren’t the results of personal trauma, but they were the meaning that my young mind could make sense of what I saw around me.
As a kid, I spent a lot of time with my aunt and she was generally viewed as really pretty (or hot). I can’t tell you how many times I witnessed her getting things for free or front-of-the-line perks just for her looks. My aunt didn’t do anything to manipulate the attention. She wasn’t being a tease or a flirt. She was just being herself. And it would’ve been one thing if she was just getting all of these nice things. But that’s not all she got. Some guys were not so nice and they made rude and vulgar comments to or about her. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and vulnerable in these moments. For me, being a woman was too much pressure and too scary.
Then it did get personal
That feeling of discomfort and vulnerability would hit me and grow into fear anytime a boy would make a harassing comment to me about “womanly” things. I remember experimenting with pink lipstick once in the 7th grade and a boy in my class said that my lips were pink because I just gave him a blow job. You think I ever wore lipstick again? Not until recently, unless I was onstage, and never ever again to school.
There are other stories too, and I’m sure you have some of your own. Some girls are unphased or empowered by situations like this, but I just shut down. I started wearing oversized clothes and hiding my body as much as possible. My clothes became a protecting shield. I stopped looking up when I was around others and I pretty much became invisible. I didn’t know how to process my fears or how to be confident in my female skin.
Conversation Starters
While Real Girl Puberty doesn’t address the “Birds and the Bees” topic, there are some conversations that might help your daughter become more comfortable with being a woman. Here are the conversations I wish a puberty ally would’ve had with me.
- Your body is changing and maybe kids or grown-ups are starting to point it out. How does that make you feel? Is there any way I can support you?
- It’s natural for boys and girls to start having sexual feelings and attractions at your age. It’s important to know what you’re comfortable with and how you can let people know when they cross the line.
- Are there any changes in your body that you’re feeling embarrassed about? I’d love to help you find solutions so you can be comfortable with yourself. These times are awkward and maybe some things will be uncomfortable for you, but we can manage them.
Maybe I would’ve been too embarrassed to engage in these conversations when I was a puberty girl, but it would’ve been nice if they were at least happening around me. Then I wouldn’t have felt like I was weird or different for being scared of being a woman.
I still feel like an imposter sometimes about being a woman, so I guess it’s not too late to start talking. Want to join in the conversation? Let me know if you can relate and what conversations you wish you could’ve had as a puberty girl.
Want to learn more about International Women’s Day? Head over to the International Women’s Day website.